Leaving a Mark

March 24, 2015

Well today I found out I was approve for the Cryogenic Ablation procedure.   I was hoping to start this coming Friday but looks like I go in tomorrow.  I have to be there at 9:30 for tests and prep and the procedure starts at 11am and should go to 1pm.  They will be going after the biggest tumor first and one small one.  They will have to deflate the lung in hopes of the tumor pulling away from the outer wall.  If it does they can freeze it if not I have to look at other options to try and get rid of that tumor.   I would be lying if I said I was scared to death.  I have no idea why but not being completely sedated and having a lung deflated and a 16 gauge needle stuck in my chest does not thrill me,  Also the though of this not working is always on my mind and any possible complications that may arise.  It is not a good time either.  My kitchen is not yet finished and have to get electrical done before the put the counter tops on the island, have to put in a range hood, and oven , a stove and a microwave and all new baseboards.  Now I have no idea when this will get done and the family is tired of frozen dinners or fast food.  I feel bad for my wife having to pick up the slack and putting more pressure on her to keep the house going and kids fed.  Days like this I just want to scream cry and anything else to release tension!   My emotions are a complete roller coaster and trying to stay positive and strong around my family gets harder each day.  At times I feel like I am about to have a nervous break down.  My energy level is extremely low and that is probably due to lack of sleep, stress and hiding my emotions 24 hours a day.  I often wonder if I should join a support group but then again I have no idea where I would find the time.   My thoughts today are how much longer can I continue this fight, when will it end, do I have enough to fight and not quit.  Those are just some of what runs through my head.  Also, thoughts of my family would be better off without a sick dad around the house.  But I know that is wrong but it does creep in my head.  I do have times when I doubt God and sometimes want to blame him.  But, that is just Satan trying to tear me down.  

Well, I hope all goes well tomorrow and will hopefully be updating this with the results in the next couple of days.

I will leave you with this quote.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill