Leaving a Mark

July 2, 2015

It has been awhile since I have written anything down.  But today my heart is in agony after losing a good friend to cancer.  Deli Tueller was a great woman, daughter, wife and mother.  She was incredibly strong and fought to the end with hop of beating cancer.   Today I want to scream so loud but can't.  I hurt knowing a friend has fought to the end but in the end cancer took her life and I am still battling it.   I have way to many friends fighting cancer.   My cancer keeps popping up and won't go away.  I am now fighting a tumor in my left forearm and the doctors were supposed to do surgery last week but decided the tumor was to big and want to do radiation first to shrink it.  They are worried that I might lose function of my forearm and hand if they do surgery now.   I am starting to feel like frankenstein with all the missing body parts.   So I start radiation on July 6th and get to go through 25 rounds of it then get to go in for surgery.  In the mean time I worry and freak out about the tumors in my chest.  Are they shrinking or are they growing rapidly like the past history. Everyday I wonder what the cancer is doing to me.  The mental anguish at times is unbearable and is the hardest battle to fight.  There have been plenty of days that I really want to quit fighting this and move on so my family can move on and not live with the fact of wondering what am I going to go through next.  I feel like I am holding back my family.  Then I hear of a dear friend passing away because of cancer and I am even more confused.   In a way I am jealous because she is now without pain and in a better place.   But, I know her family is hurting from the loss.  Cancer has to be the cruelest of  all the diseases out there.   There is no rhyme or reason who gets it and what it will or won't do.  Certain cancers get more attention than others and more funding to fight and then I have one of the cancers that has no cure and is one of the less funded cancers out there.   Yes, it is beatable but how many body parts can they keep taking out and how many surgeries do I have to endure.   I do know that in the end I have to keep fighting.  Fighting is in my blood and really is all I know.